rounds the mortal temples of a king


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fic: hail to the chief (r for swearing)
lan fan
mortaltemples

For the grab your weapon and take aim, don't miss (Zombie Apocalypse ficathon) - here

prompt: from bennet_7Veep + Selina and staff stuck in a bunker + On the plus side she's now the president (probably).

    hail to the chief (r - for swearing)

    It's ironic that 'zombies bringing civilisation to its knees' was the one disaster scenario Amy had been trained for.

    It’s ironic that ‘zombies bringing civilisation to its knees’ was the one disaster scenario Amy had been trained for. During her interview to become then-Senator Meyer’s chief-of-staff, that was the ‘catastrophe question’ she’d been asked. So when the news of the initial outbreak came from Florida, she was prepared as fuck.

    Not that Amy’s bragging or anything, but she got Selina and the rest of the staff down to the bunker with no casualties. When the news ended due to Anderson Cooper getting bit on the face by his cameraman (the good ones are always the first to go), they turned off the TV and made their way to the bunker, that was two weeks ago. Hold up inside their ‘VPSB’ (Vice Presidential Survival Bunker, as Jonah dickishly referred to it in one of his last communiqués), which is really just the fortified basement of their normal office with a shitton of baseball bats, guns, bullets and canned food, the team had actually been surviving pretty fucking well, if Amy said so herself. Who the fuck’s laughing now, Sam? Her ex-roommate had been asked about a terrorist bombing of the Pentagon. Amy shot that boyfriend stealing undead bitch in the face on the first day.

    “I’m just saying, once the initial panic dies down, you and I should get to being the new Adam and Eve, you know? I mean, between my smarts and good looks and your working vagina, we have a good chance of producing a thing that wouldn’t get eaten on the first day outside of your womb.” Of course, trust Dan, the shittiest shit to ever shit, to survive the fucking zombie apocalypse, but you can’t have everything – besides, they need a human shield. 

    “Dan, I swear to God I will shoot you in the head and feed you to the zombies if you don’t shut that idea the fuck down right now.”

    “Shh! Don’t say the z-word!”

    “Oh, shut the fuck up, Gary!” The end of the world has no time for niceties Amy has learned.

    Everyone immediately looks over when they see a small red light flickering in the corner of the room where Mike is sitting, on his shift monitoring his phone in the only place that still has an internet connection.

    “Fuck yes!” He shouts and everyone abruptly stands up. “President’s undead. Selina, congratulations.” An awkward silence descends over the basement as the news sinks in, the irony of Selina finally getting the presidency just when its power has become obsolete is lost on no one.  Suddenly, Selina starts cackling. It’s pretty fucking scary, actually, but Amy reckons you’re allowed to have mood swings when you just find out that you’ve been appointed the most powerful still-living woman of the zombie apocalypse.

    “Sue, SUE!” Selina shouts and the ever-overworked assistant looks up from the small fire she was attempting to make. “Did the fucking president fucking call? No. No he didn’t. Do you know why? Because he’s one of the evil fucking dead!” Everyone laughs uneasily, but all Amy can think is fucking finally. Followed quickly by Jonah better have fucking joined the fucking POTUS as one of the zombies. Waiting for an excuse to shoot the fucker in the head has been hard.

     “God bless the poor bastard who’s still running the presidential twitter feed, though.” Mike chuckles.

    Next moment they hear a knock on the door. Amy turns to Dan. “You have to be fucking kidding me.” Only one person knows where the bunker is. And sure enough...

    “Guys. Guys! You’ve gotta let me in!” cries Jonah’s voice through the door. Selina pouts.

    “No, Jonah! Go the fuck away and find your own bunker!”

    “Or better yet, go get eaten!” Dan adds to the new POTUS’ first presidential order. They hear Jonah slap his fucking freakishly giant hand on the door.

    “No, you guys, I have to get you to the POTUSSB!” And urgh, Amy wants to bash his head in just for that acronym alone.

    “Go the fuck away, we’re fine here!” Selina protests.

    “The POTUSSB has enough food and electricity generators to keep 50 people going for 15 years, hot water and a toilet that flushes.” Jonah said. Everyone goes quiet at that. Amy furrows her brow.

    “How many of us will there be?”

    “Just the seven of us. Everyone else is dead. Or, not dead, but...whatever.” Jonah confirms.

    Dan turns to Amy and shrugs. “We could always feed him to the hordes once we find out where the bunker is.” Amy nods in agreement. You can never have enough human shields.




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    Hah! This gave me a much needed laugh. I love that Jonah is still inventing acronyms during the apocalypse. Great work!

    N'aww! Thanks!
    And yes, OF COURSE Jonah is spending the end of the world thinking up new acronyms to piss everyone off with! :')

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